Be Less Sucky With More Relational Intelligence

Be Less Sucky with More Relational Intelligence (RI)

• Dr. Steve L. Robbins

Rachel, a team leader at a mid-sized company, was known for her warmth and ability to get along with everyone. She remembered birthdays, brought coffee for her colleagues on tough days, and always lent a listening ear. Her relational intelligence (RI)—a powerful combination of emotional and social intelligence—helped her navigate the complexities of workplace relationships effortlessly. But when a high-stakes project landed on her desk, something changed. Rachel became more withdrawn, short-tempered, and less attuned to her colleagues. The once vibrant office dynamic she contributed to started to wane. Her colleagues noticed, but Rachel didn’t realize the shift.

Rachel’s story illustrates how relational intelligence can fade under the weight of stress and distractions. Whether in the workplace or at home, the loss of these connections can have far-reaching effects, leaving relationships strained and personal satisfaction diminished. The good news is, with continuous practice and small, intentional actions, we can all “be less sucky” and rebuild our connections.

Rachel’s story isn’t unique. Her experience highlights how relational intelligence can fade in the messiness of life, affecting both work and home life. This shared struggle invites us to examine how we lose these connections and, more importantly, how we can regain them. Let’s explore why this happens and how we can all rebuild and strengthen our relational intelligence. We begin with looking at the importance of feedback.

The Feedback Void

Feedback isn’t just for leaders like Rachel—it’s essential for everyone. Whether it’s constructive advice from a manager or heartfelt input from a friend, feedback serves as a mirror, helping us understand how we are perceived and where we can improve. Think back to the last time someone gave you constructive input. It might have been uncomfortable at first, but chances are, if you were open to the feedback, it helped you grow or see a situation in a new light.

Our brains are wired to seek feedback to refine our understanding of the world. This process, known as Bayesian updating, helps us adjust our assumptions and behaviors based on new information. The brain’s anterior cingulate cortex and prefrontal cortex are actively involved in detecting errors and recalibrating actions based on feedback. When we stop receiving honest input—or stop seeking it—our self-awareness can suffer, leaving us stuck in outdated or inaccurate perceptions of ourselves and others. In Rachel’s case, the high-stakes project consumed her focus, leaving little room for reflection or feedback. Over time, this led to a disconnect between her intentions and how others perceived her.

To break out of the feedback void, try this: actively ask for feedback from trusted colleagues, friends, or family members. Simple questions like, “How did I come across in that meeting?” or “Do you think I’ve been as supportive as usual?”can provide valuable insights.

Before we dive into stress, let’s think about the role it plays in shaping our interactions. Stress can creep into our lives silently, altering how we think, feel, and connect. Let’s explore how it hijacks our relational intelligence and pushes us into reactive behaviors.

Stress and the Ancient Brain

Stress doesn’t just make us feel overwhelmed—it fundamentally alters brain function. High levels of stress activate the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, flooding the body with cortisol. This shifts activity away from the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s center for rational decision-making and empathy, to the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system. High levels of cortisol put us in what I call our “Ancient Brian.” We become more reactive, less mindful, and survival-focused. In this state, we act hastily and literally can’t think about the consequences of our actions. Empathy, patience, and thoughtful communication often take a backseat, as the brain prioritizes short-term safety over long-term connection.

Take Jason, for example, a busy parent juggling work deadlines and his kids’ extracurricular activities. On particularly stressful days, he’s quick to snap at his spouse or ignore his kids’ questions, behaviors that leave him feeling guilty later. Jason’s Ancient Brain is prioritizing immediate problem-solving, but at the expense of meaningful connection with his family.

The good news? Stress management techniques can interrupt the cycle of reactivity and help us reclaim our relational intelligence. By calming the Ancient Brain, we can create space to think clearly, connect intentionally, and prioritize meaningful interactions. Practices like the 4X7X8 breathing method—inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, exhale for eight—are simple yet effective tools to reset. Small improvements in managing stress can lead to big gains in keeping your relationships strong and meaningful.

Managing stress effectively lays the groundwork for improving relational intelligence, but there’s another key ingredient: empathy. Our ability to connect emotionally with others can wane under the weight of distraction and stress. Let’s delve into how empathy can erode and what we can do to strengthen it.

The Empathy Erosion

Empathy is one of the most critical components of relational intelligence, rooted in the brain's mirror neuron system. This system enables us to understand and share the feelings of others by simulating their experiences in our own minds. However, chronic stress or distraction dampens this neural activity, making it harder to connect emotionally. Have you ever caught yourself scrolling through your phone while a friend is sharing something important? Or mentally rehearsing your to-do list during a conversation? These small lapses in empathy add up over time, making us ‘suckier’ versions of ourselves and weakening our relational bonds. 

Empathy is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Start small: during your next conversation, focus entirely on the other person. Maintain eye contact, listen without interrupting, and try to imagine how they’re feeling. Even a brief moment of full presence can make a significant difference—and help you be less sucky in your relationships.

Empathy allows us to feel connected, but what happens when physical or emotional distance grows too large? Relational distance, whether at work or in personal life, can subtly weaken our bonds. Let’s examine how this happens and ways to bridge the gaps.

The Distance Trap

In today’s digital world, physical and emotional distance can easily creep into our relationships, leading to what psychologists often term 'relational distance.' This gap isn’t just about geography—it’s about the sense of disconnection we feel from others when communication becomes transactional or infrequent. For many, the shift to remote work has intensified this issue. Without the casual interactions of an office setting—the hallway chats, shared lunches, and spontaneous brainstorming—connections can feel strained or even nonexistent.

But relational distance isn’t confined to work. Outside of professional settings, friendships and family relationships can also suffer when regular, meaningful interactions dwindle. Texting instead of calling, avoiding deep conversations, or neglecting to check in can create emotional gaps that grow over time. For Rachel, the pressure of her project led her to isolate herself from her colleagues, compounding the stress she felt and increasing the relational distance in her workplace and personal life.

To close the distance, make efforts to reconnect with the people in your life. Whether it’s setting up a virtual coffee with a coworker or inviting friends over for dinner, small actions can have a significant impact. For relationships at home, consider unplugging from devices during meals or scheduling family game nights to nurture those bonds. These small gestures rebuild relational bridges, reminding us all that connection is both valuable and essential.

Understanding these challenges is only half the battle. To truly 'be less sucky' and enhance relational intelligence, we need actionable strategies. Let’s explore some practical ways to rebuild and strengthen connections.

Practical Strategies for Strengthening Relational Intelligence

Relational intelligence isn’t just about big gestures; it’s about the small, consistent actions that help you ‘be less sucky’ every day. Here are some strategies anyone can use: Here are some strategies anyone can use:

1. Ask for Feedback

Create opportunities for honest input by asking open-ended questions like, “What’s one thing I could do to support you better?” Feedback helps you align your actions with others’ needs and expectations.

2. Practice Active Listening

During conversations, focus entirely on the speaker. Nod, ask follow-up questions, and paraphrase what they’ve said to show you’re fully engaged.

3. Manage Stress

Incorporate stress-relief practices into your routine. Whether it’s a walk outside, journaling, or a few minutes of meditation, these habits can keep the Ancient Brain in check.

4. Reconnect Regularly

Make time for the people who matter. Even a quick check-in text or a shared laugh can go a long way in maintaining strong relationships.

5. Practice the HERO Skills

Humility, Empathy, Reflection, and Open-mindedness (HERO) are essential for relational intelligence. Humility keeps you grounded, empathy helps you connect, reflection allows for growth, and open-mindedness fosters understanding.

Final Thoughts

After her high-stakes project concluded, Rachel reflected on how distant she had become from her team. Recognizing a path she didn't want to continue on, she made a deliberate effort to improve her relational intelligence. She embraced the HERO Skills: Humility, Empathy, Reflection, and Open-mindedness. Rachel started by seeking feedback from her colleagues, asking how she could better support them. She practiced active listening in meetings, ensuring every team member felt heard and valued. Reflection became a daily habit, helping her identify areas for growth and celebrate small wins in her interactions. Over time, Rachel’s relationships transformed. Her team felt reinvigorated and connected, and Rachel found herself enjoying her work more than ever. Her journey reminds us that with intention and effort, we can all rebuild and strengthen our relationships, both at work and beyond.

Relational intelligence isn’t reserved for leaders or extroverts—it’s a skill everyone can cultivate, regardless of role or personality. At its core, relational intelligence is about building meaningful connections that enrich our lives and the lives of those around us.

Whether you’re navigating workplace dynamics, deepening your bond with family, or simply trying to be more present for your friends, the principles of relational intelligence apply. Being less sucky isn’t about perfection; it’s about making consistent, intentional efforts to show up better for the people who matter. It’s about asking for feedback, managing stress, practicing empathy, and closing the gaps that relational distance can create.

Imagine a world where small, deliberate actions ripple outward—where taking the time to listen deeply transforms a tense conversation into a moment of connection, or where managing stress allows you to respond with patience instead of reactivity. This is the promise of relational intelligence: a better, more fulfilling way to engage with the world.

Every step you take to ‘be less sucky’ strengthens the neural pathways that make relational intelligence second nature. And as you grow, so do the relationships around you—relationships that, ultimately, are the cornerstone of a meaningful life.

Take the HERO Skills Challenge

If Rachel's story resonates with you, or you’re ready to take actionable steps toward improving your relational intelligence, consider joining the next 6-week HERO Skills Challenge, running from February 13 to March 20, 2025. This immersive program will help you practice and embody the HERO Skills—Humility, Empathy, Reflection, and Open-mindedness. Through guided exercises and real-world applications, you’ll build the tools to connect with others, lead effectively, and thrive in all areas of your life. For more information and to register, visit https://slrobbins.podia.com/64e9bb08-9da0-4b5e-a0d3-cab6ca02dd16.