Healing Begins with Humility

Healing Begins with Humility

-Dr. Steve L. Robbins

The Mirror Moment

For most of his life, Jake prided himself on being the guy who could handle anything. He was sharp, driven, and confident—traits that earned him respect in his career as a tech executive and made him the go-to problem solver in his social circle. He prided himself on being a “man’s man.” But beneath the surface, Jake often felt like he was barely holding it together. His reactions were becoming a problem: snide comments to colleagues over minor mistakes, curt dismissals of his wife’s suggestions, and an inability to let go of even the smallest perceived slights. Jake chalked it up to stress or simply “being a man”—after all, wasn’t toughness a virtue?

The cracks widened one Friday afternoon when he exploded at his team during a presentation. One of his junior employees had what Jake thought to be a terrible marketing proposal, and Jake, his jaw clenched and voice sharp, tore into the employee in front of the entire group. “This isn’t amateur hour,” he barked letting people know who was boss. The room fell silent, and Jake noticed his team exchange uneasy glances.

That evening, Jake sat in his car in the driveway, too ashamed to go inside. He had yelled at his wife the night before for something equally insignificant—she’d suggested they see a well-known classic 80’s band coming to town and he had so much work to do for a Monday meeting—and the guilt from that argument still hung over him. For the first time, Jake allowed himself to wonder: Why am I like this? Why do I feel the need to dominate every situation?

In the quiet of the car, memories started surfacing—ones he usually worked hard to bury. He thought of his stepfather, a hard, unyielding man who seemed to delight in tearing Jake down. Mistakes weren’t tolerated in their house; an A-minus on a report card, even a wrinkled bedsheet or a missed spot while cleaning the bathroom mirror would lead to a barrage of insults. “Real men don’t screw up,” his stepfather would sneer. Perfection wasn’t just expected—it was demanded. And when Jake inevitably failed to meet those impossible standards, he was met with ridicule and punishment.

His stepfather’s words and actions shaped Jake in subtle but profound ways. The constant push for perfection, the fear of criticism, and the association of masculinity with control and invulnerability became embedded in Jake’s identity. He learned that projecting strength—even if it meant hiding his true self and hurting others—was the only way to survive.

Sitting there in his car, Jake realized he’d been carrying those lessons for decades. But now, instead of what he thought was the foundation of success, they were telling him he was worthless and poisoning his relationships. His behavior wasn’t just about stress or incompetence in others—it was about the shadow his stepfather’s emotional abuse had cast over his life. For the first time, Jake whispered the words that scared him the most: “I need help.”

Humility: The Key to Healing

Jake’s story is all too familiar. It may even resonate with you. Many of us develop defense mechanisms to survive difficult circumstances—ways of thinking and acting learned from past experiences, that feel helpful and protective but ultimately hold us back. For Jake, the mask of hyper-masculinity, shaped by his stepfather’s toxic expectations, became a source of both pride and pain. The belief that “real men don’t show weakness” may have driven Jake’s professional success, but it also turned vulnerability into his enemy.

Healing for Jake, and for anyone stuck in these patterns, requires something deceptively simple but profoundly difficult: humility.

Humility isn’t just about having an honest and accurate view of yourself—your strengths and limitations. It also involves valuing others and their perspectives, thoughts, and ideas. Humility allows you to step back from self-centeredness, recognize the worth of those around you, and appreciate that their experiences and viewpoints are just as valid as your own. For Jake, this meant acknowledging that his behavior wasn’t a sign of strength but of unprocessed pain—and that the people in his life deserved better.

The Role of the Ancient and Modern Brain

Jake’s reactions weren’t just a result of personality or upbringing—they were deeply rooted in the biology of his brain. The brain comes into the world “pre-wired” for certain survival functions, like detecting threats and managing immediate responses. This pre-wiring is courtesy of the Ancient Brain, the evolutionarily older parts of the brain, including the amygdala and brainstem. These areas are essential for fight, flight, or freeze reactions and are designed to keep us safe in life-or-death situations.

However, the brain’s wiring doesn’t stop there. Experience completes the wiring. Neural pathways that are used frequently—such as those activated by repeated criticism or punishment—become stronger and more automatic over time, a process called neuroplasticity. For Jake, growing up in a household where even minor mistakes were harshly punished taught his Ancient Brain that imperfection equaled danger. His brain’s survival system became overly sensitive to errors, whether his own or someone else’s.

On the other hand, the Modern Brain, including areas like the prefrontal cortex, is responsible for higher-order thinking—reflection, empathy, and emotional regulation. While the Ancient Brain is wired to be vigilant for threats, the Modern Brain can help to differentiate between real and perceived threats. In nurturing and supportive environments, the Modern Brain is able to pause and evaluate situations, balancing the Ancient Brain’s impulses with thoughtful analysis and responses.

For Jake, his early experiences wired his brain to rely more heavily on Ancient Brain processes, to seek psychological safety. The constant need to avoid criticism and strive for perfection meant his Modern Brain wasn’t given the opportunity to fully “practice” skills like emotional regulation and self-reflection in the face of “threats.”

HERO Skills: A Framework for Healing and Building Relational Intelligence

Jake’s struggles weren’t just about emotional control—they were also about Relational Intelligence (RI). RI is the ability to effectively navigate, build, and repair relationships, both with others and with yourself. At its core, RI requires skills like humility, empathy, and reflection—all of which are embodied in the HERO Skills.

If Jake practiced the HERO Skills, he could begin to rebuild his RI, transforming how he interacts with the people around him and with himself. Here’s how:

1. Reflection: Understanding the Roots of the Problem

Though the third letter in the acronym HERO, it is foundational for both healing and RI. For Jake, it would mean slowing down, being self-aware, and asking himself hard questions like:

• Why do I feel the need to control every situation?

• Why do small mistakes bother me so much?

• How did my stepfather and mu childhood experiences shape the way I see myself and others?

Through reflection, Jake could begin to see how his Ancient Brain had been wired to treat imperfection as a threat. He might also recognize the gap between his intentions—to be a good father, husband, and leader—and the reality of his actions.

RI Connection: Reflection enhances RI by helping you understand your own emotional landscape. When you know what triggers you and why, you can better manage your reactions and respond in ways that strengthen relationships.

2. Humility: Admitting the Problem and Taking Responsibility

Humility is the willingness to see yourself accurately—not as flawless, but as a work in progress. It also helps us to value others, their perspectives, feelings, and ideas. For Jake, this would mean admitting that his behavior was hurting others, taking responsibility for his actions and seeking help.

RI Connection: Humility is a cornerstone of RI because it fosters trust and connection. Admitting mistakes shows others that you value their feelings and are willing to grow.

3. Empathy: Seeing the World Through Others’ Eyes

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. For Jake, empathy would mean stepping into the shoes of his wife, his kids, and his team to see how his actions impacted them.

RI Connection: Empathy strengthens RI by helping you connect meaningfully with others and respond in supportive ways.

4. Open-Mindedness: Embracing New Ways of Thinking

Open-mindedness would help Jake challenge long-held beliefs and try new approaches, like therapy or mindfulness, that could help him regulate his emotions.

RI Connection: Open-mindedness expands RI by fostering adaptability and a willingness to grow.

The Possibilities for Jake...and Us

If Jake embraced the HERO Skills, he could develop the Relational Intelligence needed to heal his relationships, connect with others, and redefine what it means to be strong. He would discover that vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a profound source of courage, and that true strength lies in building others up rather than tearing them down.

And what about us? Jake’s story is a mirror, reflecting struggles we all face at some level. Whether it’s managing our reactions, repairing a strained relationship, or confronting the unprocessed lessons of our past, we all have opportunities to practice humility, empathy, reflection, and open-mindedness.

Life is messy, and so we are sucky at times. If a goal of ours is to be less sucky, the HERO Skills offer a path forward—a way to navigate the mess with grace, growth, and connection. Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past, but it does mean understanding its effects and transforming its influence. And the courage to start that journey involves a large dose of humility.